The song “Matrimony” by Whiskeytown (written and sung by Caitlin Cary). In just 3 minutes and 48 seconds the song pretty much runs through the things women should expect in a society dominated by men (I’d say “patriarchy” here but don’t want anyone to hold it against me). I’ll share the full lyrics and a youtube link to close the post.

But what prompted me to come to the blog were the lines “it somehow seems to me/ matrimony is misery,/ simply a faster way to die.” Well, that about sums it up for women in the US: “Data from U.S. crime reports suggest that about one in five homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner. The reports also found that over half of female homicide victims are killed by a current or former male intimate partner.”

“The presence of a gun in domestic violence situations increases the risk of homicide for women by 500%. More than half of women killed by gun violence are killed by family members or intimate partners.”

You can find these stats pretty much anywhere online – (though I’m not sure if AI will corrupt all data sooner or later.) 75% of intimate partner violence is perpetrated by men, and while it’s true that women also perpetrate violence against male intimate partners, the kind of violence, the duration of abuse, is vastly different, far less lethal, and men do not report extensive aftereffects of abusive situations.

The song suggests how these are learned or modeled behaviors and that the choice NOT to marry is to stand against those behaviors – against continuing the cycle of abuse and violence. Cary sings “I don’t believe I care to marry, though I cannot explain exactly why.” But the observations in the song make clear that the reasons are well-founded.

Let’s be clear, intimate partners don’t need to be married, it’s just an institution that creates tension and stress for many people often prompted by poor economic conditions. But it’s also true that marriage is our social norm and a way in which we “isolate” ourselves into a very limited, circumscribed life where we force individuals to be responsible for themselves and deserving of the consequences of those limiting life choices.

Matrimony

Well, I’m saving this dress for my wedding day
Momma wouldn’t have it any other way
She says when she married, her waist was twenty three
I guess I’ll never wear it anyway

I don’t believe I care to marry
Though I cannot explain exactly why
It somehow seems to me that matrimony is misery
Simply a faster way to die

I’m saving all my money for my wedding day
You know my momma wouldn’t have it any other way
She says when she married, she didn’t’ have a dime
But I guess I’ll spend that money some other way

Because I don’t believe I care to marry
Though I cannot explain exactly why
It somehow seems to me that matrimony is misery
Simply a faster way to die

Well, I’m saving my best thing for my wedding day
Because my poppa wouldn’t have it any other way
He says if I lose it early, I’ll have thrown my life away
But I swear I’ll use my cherry my own way

I don’t believe I care to marry
Though I cannot explain exactly why
It somehow seems to me that matrimony is misery
Simply a faster way to die